A Self-Squeezing Parable

Once upon a time existed a fine group of Orange Juice Manufacturers, called the Big Juicers; they were six and they prized themselves of offering the Orange Juice Drinking Public only the best of the best that the Orange Juice Market could offer. This reputation had firm grounds to root in, as they only accepted for their manufacturing process the best crops that a select few Orange Farmers grew for them. Even so, every writer… erm… Orange Farmer that provided them with oranges had to have their fine products closely scrutinized for flaws and typos… ahem! Scratch that!… bugs. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Everything was nice and fine, the Big Six Juicers were idolized by the Orange Juice Drinkers, and they were so important that every Orange Farmer out there thought they had only made it in life when a crate of their hard-worked for products was finally accepted for sale with a big fat advance (and a seven and a half royalty check by the end of each quarter). Life was fine; Orange Farmers managed to sell a few of their Orange Crates: some just a couple of thousands of them… others (most of the Farmers) could sell ten to twenty thousand crates. Not much, but they could squeeze (pun definitely intended) a living out of their work. There were a few Orange Farmers like Steven Queen, who could sell a few million crates of his horrible oranges, but he was more like the exception to the rule.

One day a certain British lady came up with a brand of orange that caught the Big Juices with their pants down. Of course, like many other Orange Farmers before, she was rejected plenty of times before finally being accepted for publis… err… squeezing her fruits to make juice (now… why does that sound even worse and lewd?)

One of the Big Juicers took the risk with the lady’s oranges and, wouldn’t you know it, the juice that came out was a wild success among the Orange Juice Drinkers. Her oranges were so popular that the Big Juicer who took the chance saw his investment rewarded by big gains (the movie rights about the lady’s oranges were staggering high, by the way).

Problem is, the Big Juicers got greedy after that. They only began to accept oranges from new farmers who had the potential to sell gazillions of units from the word ‘go’. They even asked themselves: ‘Do this guy’s oranges taste like those from that lady’s oranges? Can we envision a line of easily breakable toys in the future?’ Well, yeah, they occasionally let some little guy in, especially if he or she looked as if he or she could sell more than one hundred thousand crates, but now it looked more as though they were making him or her a big favor instead of a business transaction.

The little guys who now couldn’t make it, simply because their Orange Crates couldn’t sell in the range of millions, went temporarily into a corner and grumble about their fate.

Then another big event happened, some guy known as Geoffrey Bozo, who ran one of the largest Orange Juice Distributor companies (and who consistently sold gazillion of Orange Juice Glasses coming from the Six Juicers every month) came up with a brilliant idea: how to electronically sell the Orange Juice without actually having to squeeze the Orange!

Yeah, that might sound crazy, but it’s the sort of idea that comes out from a man who names his company after the Aar River, so it will show up first on Google searches.

This was achieved by means of a little device called the Sparky; it could be easily held in one hand and it allowed you to experience the same, well, experience as drinking a real Orange Juice Glass. You felt refreshed and it left you with a tangy aftertaste in your mouth, but it was an electronic virtual experience. No need to move Orange Crates physically about. The era of the E-Orange Juice Glass had dawned.

By now, the Big Juicers were so used to their little corner of the world that they began to fear change. They shunned Bozo’s creation, paying little heed to it. But Bozo was quite a businessman; he offered his device, the Sparky, to all the little guys out there that couldn’t offer their oranges because they wouldn’t sell by the millions. Now they could reach the Orange Juice Drinker audience… directly! YAAAY!

This new form of business, which we will call the Self-Squeezing Orange business as to call it someway, became a wild success. Bozo was happy, the little Indie Orange Farmers were happy… everyone was happy with it, except the Big Juicers (which had become only five due to some terrible mismanagement). Reluctantly, the Big Juicers decided to jump into the bandwagon. But they made a nasty decision. They decided to sell the Orange Juice the Bozo’s Way, but they made the Virtual Orange Juice pricier than its physical counterpart.

“But… but… you’re only selling the experience without actually moving the Oranges,” a bewildered Bozo would exclaim, along with the irate Orange Juice Drinking audience. “The Virtual Orange Juice ought to be cheaper than the real thing! That’s insane!”

The Big Juicers were adamant; they would only sell their Orange Juice the virtual way if they gained more money than in the old-fashioned way. Bozo and his company Aar River, went as far as going to court to prevent Haatchoot! (yeah, I know it sounds like someone sneezing, but that’s all I could come up with on such short notice), a little branch of the Big Juicers from selling its Virtual Oranges at a higher price.

Well, that didn’t really go well, and then the Big Juicers organized a boycott against poor Bozo and his company, so they could teach him a lesson.

How do you think this little tale will end?

Disclaimer: Yeah, I know I should have put this at the top of the post, but it would have killed the parable effect: Any resemblance of this post to the publishing industry out there is the product of your own deranged imagination.

Edwin Stark
Signing Off

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One thought on “A Self-Squeezing Parable

  1. I think a sparky is a much better name than a kindle. But that’s just me. But wait, we’re not talking about publishing, are we? Phnark.



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